I am truly amazed by my ability, but continuously question my logic, to just wake up and change my mind and my direction when things were already perfectly right. I can't explain my reasoning or my choices but all I can do is continue the ride with an incredible smile knowing that somewhere along the path this was exactly the way it was supposed to happen. I trust fate in knowing that whenever I have stepped into complete darkness there has always been something solid to stand on and an open hand that is always willing to teach me to fly.
I have a desire to begin to chase the things I want, without knowing exactly what it is I want.
A few months ago, I wanted a change. Not knowing what that meant, I quickly packed up my life and moved alone into a one bedroom to chase the independence I still think I need. While I have always continuously thrived off of the stress of change, I am still learning to accept my decisions for what they're worth. I can't say I made a mistake but I can say that I still do not know what gave me the desire to step into complete darkness when everything had played out exactly how I envisioned. I got everything I wanted, and in the end, that wasn't enough.
I look back on my New Years Resolutions, and one in particular stands out to me... "Get a Fresh Start"... For what it's worth, I have accomplished that goal in a different way, without knowing this would be the way that fresh start would begin. I no longer strive so desperately to move to a new city, for I have already started a new life on my own. That "once in a lifetime" opportunity will come someday, but for now, this "once in a lifetime" feeling of strength, by becoming okay with the silence, being alone, having no one to catch my fall, and accepting the feeling beyond my comfort zone, is enough for me. I am learning how to be happy and content by myself, something I always found in someone else. This fresh start has been a learning experience, and something I know I will look back on and pride myself in having the ability to swim into open water, not knowing where the next shore will be.
As incredibly hard it is to share my life with the world, for fear of judgement, I feel better sharing my thoughts knowing someone in this world might be feeling the exact same way.
Within my resolutions, I stated that 2013 will be the year, the year for something new. Although I had no idea this is what I meant, I am confident that life always works out the way it is meant to be.